The loss that changes your life.

Suicide. Such a terrifying word. A word that brings pain like no other word we know. Unfortunately many of us have lived in a world where that unspoken word is a gut wrenching reality. You aren’t alone.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide my heart is with you. I ache with you and I cry with you. The sad reality is I’m quickly learning that my life will never be the same and I will never be the same. So many emotions come with it. Angry, sad, hopeless, forgetful, forgiving, peace and constant hurt. Oh did I forget to mention anxiety? Yeah that too. I have never in my life dealt with anxiety but ever since the loss of my sister I have been experiencing it frequently. At times it’s almost hard to breathe like I am having a panic attack. I think the best way to describe all the emotions would be to say I feel like Bill Murray on the movie Groundhog Day. It’s something new daily.

Again YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So many of us out there who are feeling this same way. I think what makes it even harder sometimes is when you start thinking about the fact that you didn’t choose this and you didn’t want this. We who have lost a loved one to suicide are forever damaged and we didn’t ask for it.

Here is the good news. God heals the damaged. God weeps with the broken. God has his hand on your heart. Yes, I wake in pain everyday. A lot of days I don’t want to wake. God has plans for me though just like he has for you. I lost my sister who felt like she could no longer fight so now I choose to fight for her, EVERY DAY! I refuse to let evil conquer me.

Let God heal you and speak to you. Let him use you. I heard a clip from a movie today and it was from a father who lost a son to suicide. He saw a man hurting and decided to help. After helping he said “when I helped you I felt like I was helping my son. So thank you”. I don’t know what it may be for you but let God use you. Do what makes you feel closer to your loved one. My sister was always helping others and that’s what I have chosen to do in her name. In her honor. It’s uncomfortable and I’m not good at it but God has given me the strength and courage to speak out.

You can be healed and you will be. Be close with the Lord and you will feel at peace.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I also encourage you to seek others who have been through the same thing. It’s not easy talking about it but it can help.

Much love and God bless.

I love you Kayla Dyann. Thanks for always being my biggest fan.

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