One year

1 year since I have heard your sweet voice, felt the tightest most comforting hug in the world, been around a laugh that is overwhelmingly perfect. A whole entire year since I have talked with you, argued with you and just spent time with you. A whole year that I never though I’d come back from. The year that I though would sink my life. My heart did sink but I’m still here. I am here to live for you.

December 20 2017 … I didn’t see much future after that day. I sat there and said I don’t care you can take me too Lord. Selfishly I didn’t care about my wife or son I didn’t care about anything I just wanted the pain to end.

As usual God had plans far different then I could have ever imagined. Up until writing this I just though this year has kind of been a blur of depression and lows. I sit here and realize I have been more blessed this year in my life than I ever have. I would guess Kayla is up in heaven having something to do with it.

It is so easy to get stuck in the darkest times of our lives that we don’t see how God has blessed us and is continuing to use us. Don’t let the lows defeat you because you have no clue the greatness you are meant for.

To God,

I’m sorry for at times resenting you and being angry at you. I know your will is above all else. Without you and your hand on my heart I’d be lost. It is because of you that I am where I am. Please continue to work in my life and my families. Faith is always believing even when we don’t understand! All my faith is in you.

To Kayla,

I hurt for you daily. I cry for you daily. I just wish you were still here. I know you are in a much better place. If you can here my I hope you can forgive me for the times I have yelled out at you. I have so many emotions that sometimes it’s hard to control. I miss you so much sister. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for you. I wish I could have done more while you were here. Everything I have done this year has been for you. I hope I am making you proud. I give the Krue and Koen kisses for you all the time and make sure to give Avah extra tight hugs for you. I can’t wait until we meet again. I love you….