1 year since I have heard your sweet voice, felt the tightest most comforting hug in the world, been around a laugh that is overwhelmingly perfect. A whole entire year since I have talked with you, argued with you and just spent time with you. A whole year that I never though I’d come back from. The year that I though would sink my life. My heart did sink but I’m still here. I am here to live for you.
December 20 2017 … I didn’t see much future after that day. I sat there and said I don’t care you can take me too Lord. Selfishly I didn’t care about my wife or son I didn’t care about anything I just wanted the pain to end.
As usual God had plans far different then I could have ever imagined. Up until writing this I just though this year has kind of been a blur of depression and lows. I sit here and realize I have been more blessed this year in my life than I ever have. I would guess Kayla is up in heaven having something to do with it.
It is so easy to get stuck in the darkest times of our lives that we don’t see how God has blessed us and is continuing to use us. Don’t let the lows defeat you because you have no clue the greatness you are meant for.
I’m sorry for at times resenting you and being angry at you. I know your will is above all else. Without you and your hand on my heart I’d be lost. It is because of you that I am where I am. Please continue to work in my life and my families. Faith is always believing even when we don’t understand! All my faith is in you.
I hurt for you daily. I cry for you daily. I just wish you were still here. I know you are in a much better place. If you can here my I hope you can forgive me for the times I have yelled out at you. I have so many emotions that sometimes it’s hard to control. I miss you so much sister. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for you. I wish I could have done more while you were here. Everything I have done this year has been for you. I hope I am making you proud. I give the Krue and Koen kisses for you all the time and make sure to give Avah extra tight hugs for you. I can’t wait until we meet again. I love you….
Suicide. Such a terrifying word. A word that brings pain like no other word we know. Unfortunately many of us have lived in a world where that unspoken word is a gut wrenching reality. You aren’t alone.
If you have lost a loved one to suicide my heart is with you. I ache with you and I cry with you. The sad reality is I’m quickly learning that my life will never be the same and I will never be the same. So many emotions come with it. Angry, sad, hopeless, forgetful, forgiving, peace and constant hurt. Oh did I forget to mention anxiety? Yeah that too. I have never in my life dealt with anxiety but ever since the loss of my sister I have been experiencing it frequently. At times it’s almost hard to breathe like I am having a panic attack. I think the best way to describe all the emotions would be to say I feel like Bill Murray on the movie Groundhog Day. It’s something new daily.
Again YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So many of us out there who are feeling this same way. I think what makes it even harder sometimes is when you start thinking about the fact that you didn’t choose this and you didn’t want this. We who have lost a loved one to suicide are forever damaged and we didn’t ask for it.
Here is the good news. God heals the damaged. God weeps with the broken. God has his hand on your heart. Yes, I wake in pain everyday. A lot of days I don’t want to wake. God has plans for me though just like he has for you. I lost my sister who felt like she could no longer fight so now I choose to fight for her, EVERY DAY! I refuse to let evil conquer me.
Let God heal you and speak to you. Let him use you. I heard a clip from a movie today and it was from a father who lost a son to suicide. He saw a man hurting and decided to help. After helping he said “when I helped you I felt like I was helping my son. So thank you”. I don’t know what it may be for you but let God use you. Do what makes you feel closer to your loved one. My sister was always helping others and that’s what I have chosen to do in her name. In her honor. It’s uncomfortable and I’m not good at it but God has given me the strength and courage to speak out.
You can be healed and you will be. Be close with the Lord and you will feel at peace.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I also encourage you to seek others who have been through the same thing. It’s not easy talking about it but it can help.
Much love and God bless.
I love you Kayla Dyann. Thanks for always being my biggest fan.
Blinding my brain from the pain my heart feels.
They say time heals all wounds but I have yet to find that true. I find it insensitive that people think things can just be buried away so easily.
I have so much hurt to this day. Things I regret and things that were never in my control that I wish I could have changed.
As men we aren’t supposed to show pain because it’s a sign of weakness. For me I believe it’s the opposite. Holding in my pain has created a weakness. I can’t think straight with all the emotions I have bottled. Scars that I covered up that should have been handled differently. But would it have made a difference?
I have everything I need but I still hurt for a love that’s not there. Was it ever there? Will it ever be there?
Now having a son of my own it makes me angry about the situation. I look at him and could never fathom turning my back on him. So why was it so easy to turn your back on me? That is the question that haunts me.
I know I’m supposed to forgive but I can’t help but hope that this tears at you as much as it does me. It’s not fair that I have to carry this weight alone, right?
As I sit in an empty and silent room I hear nothing but the clock tick after each second. As I start to dial in on the ticking I can’t help but to think about time. I start to feel inadequate. Is what I have done with the time I’ve been dealt good enough? Does it compare to what my peers have done? As I start really thinking about time I’m filled with darkness. I hate the word cancer but now I am viewing time like it is acting as a cancer to my life. I am taken to the quote that was framed in my grandmothers living room that has a start date and end date with a dash in the middle. It highlights how life is represented as the dash in the middle. Why am I idolizing this dash and the time it represents, God is the only thing that should be put on a pedestal like that.
Now I am brought back to the beginning and realize I didn’t start feeling inadequate until I started focusing on the time I have spent and the way people around me have spent theirs. When I start to compare my life to people around me is when the darkness starts to outweigh the light. The truth is time is powerful but I refuse to let the voices inside me begin to judge my time compared to my peers.
My time can only be judged by one person and that is my Father in Heaven. It will be judged on the people I have impacted, the lives I’ve changed and the hearts I’ve touched. When I stand before God I believe he will tell me my time on earth was successful because of the times I put out my hand and heart for the broken not because I owned a house and drove a nice car. When I let my heart think this way time starts to become a beautiful thing.
Don’t let what others are doing with their time bring you down about yours. There is only one person you have to measure up to. So I ask everyone don’t feel inadequate in the image of what you compare to others. That is exactly what the devil wants. Base it on everything you have done that is beautiful to God!
Okay… So it has got worse since the last time I told you guys about how much I have gained this year. I started out the year at 190 and I weighed yesterday at 221. Yes, something has to change before people start to think that I am the one carrying the baby.
Anyone that is close to me knows that I make a lot of impulse decisions. Well today that decision was I was going to do the “Murph Workout”. For anyone that does not know what that is here is what it consist of:
- 1 Mile
- 100 pull ups, 200 push ups, 300 squats
- 1 mile
Yes this was my first day back to working out and trying to lose this weight, so why I chose what the crossfit world calls a “hero” workout I have no clue! Surprisingly I didn’t do to bad for my first time. I can say that on my walk back to the house I about fell 5 times because my legs were so wobbly. I am sure that provided a great laugh for anyone that may have been watching. Below are my times and hopefully I can continue to improve them. The overall time it took for me to complete the “Murph” workout was 47 minutes and 14 seconds.
- 1st mile 7 minutes and 59 seconds
- Workout part was 28 minutes and 18 seconds
- 2nd mile took 10 minutes and 52 seconds
This is the part where everyone pats me on the back and tells me good job. Honestly the real reason why I did this is because I have not ate McDonalds in over year and last night I ate a BigMac. I just have this vision people are going to start calling me BigKyle and that’s not happening!
Words are so powerful. They can be healing, powerful, encouraging and sometimes hurtful. I have always been amazed how the right words and phrases find the way to you like they know exactly what you are going through. One could call it fate or coincidence, but I believe God is always placing the message right in front of your face and he has so many ways of delivering it to you. I always thought you had to be sitting in church on Sunday to get God’s words but the truth is they are everywhere it just boils down to how we choose to see them.
I attend LifeChurch In Stillwater, OK and Pastor Craig is speaking a 4 week message called the Overcomer. It is one of those times that I say to myself these are “writings on the walls”. It is a series of perfect timing that myself and people around me need! The truth is we all have battles we are trying to over come and it can feel so lonely. The good news is THERE’S HOPE FOR THE HOPELESS.
When I say writings on the walls I say that with a meaning that it can come in so ways. On Sundays after church my Mother n Law and Father n Law serve inside the church and set up the inside for the next service. We always sit inside and wait for them to get done. For some reason last Sunday they were asked to serve as greeters which means they hold the doors open for everyone who enters the building. I decided to join and I stood outside with them as where I am normally always sitting inside on my phone. This is why I say God places EVERYTHING where it needs to be. I was approached by a man I have never seen at church. As he got to me he told me he needed to talk with someone and he noticed me outside and thought I looked personable. It caught me off guard because people don’t normally find the guy covered in tattoos personable. As we talked I learned how he has been contemplating suicide. I noticed he had this child like bead bracelet on his wrist. This guy was telling me all about his depression and all I could come up with is what is the story about the bracelet on your wrist. That was a God using me moment because I never would have asked another man about a bracelet. He told me his niece made it for him and she is his absolute favorite person in the world and she looks up to him so much. I told him that is your reason! He started talking about her and it was just like everything clicked for him! PLACEMENT!!! If I was inside on my phone that exchange never took place!
We are all the writings on the walls!
“Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1: 2-4
I know everyone is reading this title thinking no way is this idiot about to talk about his wife’s weight while she is pregnant. Unfortunately for my self I am not talking about my wife. Can someone please explain to me how I have gained more weight then my wife?
She is 20 weeks pregnant and has gained 13 pounds! That is half way there. I am 20 weeks just watching her and I have gained 17 pounds. Something about this does not add up. I have literally been stuck at 190 for about 3 years. The wife gets pregnant and bam here is 20 extra pounds dude! I mean why couldn’t it have been 17 pounds of muscle! Honest story here – I absolutely hate buying clothes so if you think I’m buying new pants your wrong. Today I unbuttoned my pants while I was driving because it was uncomfortable! I’m really disappointed I just told everyone this…
The only real positive here is that I think if I got real big my wife would still love me because she has been real supportive of me throughout my pregnancy and has only laughed a couple times! But really though when people start getting us baby gifts if someone wants to throw in a free month to a gym I would be cool with that!
Side story- My wife’s little sister told me yesterday that she loves my belly…. I guess the one positive here is that I’m going to make one mean Santa Claus this upcoming Christmas! Really thought it’s like God smiled down and said welcome to adulthood, being a dad and oh happy upcoming 26th birthday here is 20 pounds you sinner!
We live in a time where everyone uses social media. In my opinion it is very dangerous to society. I am not some activist against it because I know it has its perks but so many people use it to compare their lives to what they see on Facebook or whatever it may be. The perfect every day lives you see on here is my problem with it because its fake and we all have our struggles in life. If you are someone who is struggling or looking for hope I promise it is there and can be found in faith for God. I am writing this for someone who can’t see the light at the end of the road and needs to know there are brighter days.
In 2010 I was 18 years old and graduating high school in Pawnee, Oklahoma. My life was pretty normal up to this point and my faith or life had never really been tested. That would all change over the next couple years. My parents divorced in 2010 and that is where things started to turn upside down for me. I tried to act like it never bothered me even though it did. While dealing with that I also hurt some people that were close to me by making some foolish decisions. That added with my parents sent me in a downward spiral. Many times I would ask God why and is it going to ever get better. It didn’t get better at all.
Over the next couple years things kept getting worse. My sisters were injured and a four wheeler wreck and one of them was in a coma for a week. Initially there wasn’t much hope she would make it and if she did she wouldn’t fully be with us. I have never prayed so hard in my life. God gave us a miracle and thankfully my sisters are still with us today and in perfect health. I thought this would be the time that everything would begin going back to normal but that wasn’t the case. Someone very close to me was facing some battles inside and is no longer with us today. For certain reasons I still blame myself today and it is something I know will never get better. There were many times I wanted to give up. It is true how they say when your all the way down there is no where to look but up.
After facing these trials my faith in God has never been better. He took my darkest times and used them to lead me to where I am today. I fully believe my life would not be the same now if God would not have tested me the way he did. So if you are reading this and feel like there is no up from wherever you are trust me that there is. God heals all wounds. I am also personally here for anyone who could use a friend to talk to. My one thing I ask is that you don’t get on social media and compare your life to the people on there because your only getting one side of their life!
“Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face”
I’d like to take some time to give thanks to some of the most important people in my life. Sam and Peggy, Travis and Tonya, Mom and Dane. Kasey and I can not thank each of you enough for everything you have done to make this day so special for us. We would not be here today without each one of you. None of you had to put in the time and effort you have to make this day perfect and for that we are beyond thankful. I am going to leave a little note for each of you and share some funny stories because I believe I am pretty funny.
Travis and Tonya, I am beyond blessed to have you guys as a part of my life. We have shared some great times and I look forward to many more. I just hope that we can end the tradition that when somebody on vacation farts its automatically my breath. I know it wasn’t easy to have some tatted up slim shady look a like being the one to date your daughter but you looked past it and gave me a chance! Thanks for that!!! Lol. I look up to you both in so many ways and I know whenever we need advice or help you guys are always there for us!! I love you both.
Sam and Peggy, I can’t thank the both of you enough. You guys are the perfect example of what marriage should look like and I hope our marriage can mirror yall’s in so many ways. Perfect role models and I mean that. I remember when Kasey and i first started talking Nana you called and Kasey put you on speaker phone and told you we were talking. I can hear your voice now saying but Kasey he talks real different! So basically I was no one’s first pick lol!! Thank you for letting me love your grand daughter! I’m so thrilled to be a part of this family!! I love the both of you so much!
Mom and Dane!! Last but not least. I just had to do you guys last because if y’all were first mom you would already be trying to talk so I wouldn’t of had the chance to talk about everyone else.! Just kidding I love you. Dane thank you so much for loving my mom. I have wanted to see her have that for so long and you do it every day. I know it’s not easy, just like it’s not easy to get off the phone when she calls but some how you manage to do it and I’ll always be thankful for you.
Mom I know your only here because you love Kasey. I mean it is obvious you love her more. I remember Kasey and I were a few months in to our relationship and I decided to pull a joke on you. At this time Kasey was still in college and in a sorority. I told you that I got her pregnant and you broke down in tears. I asked why you were crying and your response was “you have ruined this sweet girls life”. Really mom??? At this point it’s safe to say no one liked me lol!! So thanks Kasey for changing that and making me a likable person lol! But really mom thank you so much for making me the man I am today. It’s because of your parenting and the way you raised me that I was able to get someone like Kasey to fall in love with me. You mean the world to me mom and I hope that I have made you proud. I love you.
The cologne in the picture is one of my most sentimental possessions. It was the last thing given to me by a family member that has now gone on to Heaven to live in peace. I have had this with me for many years now. This cologne has been worn on some of the most important days of my life. That’s all that I use it for. I always make sure that they are there with me on my biggest days since they can’t be there in person. I wore it on the day I proposed as well as my wedding day! I think I am down to a few sprays left and it will be used on the day my wife and I have our first child. It’s amazing how something that has little value can provide so much meaning! I would love to hear about other people’s sentimental items and why they hold on to them!